Deadlines, friends and Online dating

After a week of setting up my profile on the online dating site, I've been getting messages non-stop about “What you could do to improve matches...” or “You have a new match! Go check it out!” Of course I was too scared to go look. I was thinking about how it's probably some creepy old guy that was into younger guys, or someone really, really fat, or even just really gross, because that is always my luck.

So, after a week of not checking the site, I finally told one of my best friends and Co-worker. Her name is Christine, she's looks kind of a mix between Bjork and Marget Cho, but she's one hell of a hot Asian I can tell you that!

“Oh online dating? Really that desperate aren't you?” she mocked my choice of dating suicide. “You know you could matched up with like a serial killer or something! Oh how scandalous would that be! Just think it could be like the next Jeffrey Dahmer.”

I didn't laugh at her very morbid support.

“Thanks Christine, that makes me feel so much better about myself.” I said, continuing typing at an email to a local man who spent time over in some African country. My next assignment, and I wanted it to be almost font cover worthy, even though I had a feeling it wasn't going to be.

“Well I'm just trying to show you how big of a mistake you just made sweetie-pie.” She winked at me.

“So did you look at the matches yet?” A big wide smile came across her face, making her look even more Asian then she already was.

“No. I'm too afraid to.” It was true. I was too afraid that what Christine had just said was true. What if I got matched to some crazy paranoid serial killer?

“Oh my god! Let's do it!”

“Christine NO!” I objected as she pushed me out of the way and looked at my email list and opened up one email that said 'You've Got A New Match!'

When we got to the site she forced me to log on. Of course, it wasn't entirely forced because deep, deep down inside of me I wanted to know who it was. We were the only ones that were in the office at this queer hour of the night, so I told myself, “Screw it, just look at it!”

The page opened and a huge list of guys popped up, some average looking, some down right disgusting, and some drop dead gorgeous.

“Haha! Jackpot!” She cackeled! We both laughed at the whole thing!

An hour passed by of us clicking on each guy and looking at his profile and picture. Deciding which ones to keep and which ones to toss. Even if we put them in the keep pile there was a ninety-nine percent chance that I was not going to even try to contact the guy. Most of them weren't in the Missoula area anyways and were out of the question. Others that were, were all just really gorgeous. I wondered how some so gorgeous as “Hanson” could match up with me.

It wasn't until we got to the last one that Christine really stopped and studied.

“This,” She turned the computer screen more towards me in the cubicle and I looked at the web page.

There in front of me was a gorgeous guy that looked much like James Franco. He had a square jaw with high hallow cheekbones. Deep chocolate eyes that seemed to penetrate me through the computer screen. He wore a white v-neck shirt that was close to his body, which was perfectly toned. He was like , perfect. Two things went through my head, this was too good to be true and that it was a fake profile picture just so someone would match him or something, or this could be the beginning of something amazing.

“This, is a sex god.” Christine's voice rose out of nowhere, snapping me quickly back into reality.
She was right, but most of the one's on the list that we picked to 'keep' were in someway a sex god. Now all I had was a pile of names and time to email them all, with the help of Christine. Soon I'd be on this road to dating in no time, but that's not what I wanted. Call me old fashion, but I want that moment where you look across a room and see that handsome guy looking back at you and it all just clicks! However, since that isn't seeming to happen. I now have scheduled a whole week of dating with a bunch of random guys from an online dating site... My life.

e-Harmony: The new Fairy God Mother

     Desperate times call for desperate measures, and today was one of those desperate days. I remember when my mother used to tell me that trying something new was good, it was always helpful to try new things in life. So today I tried something new. I signed up on an online dating site... it was like e-harmony or something, I don't quite remember... all I know is that maybe, just maybe it might give me hope to get out there and look for someone. You know, instead of just lounging around on my lazy ass waiting for Prince Charming to come pick me up on some “noble” steed.

     It was an experience.

First Name: Atticus
I'm a: Man
Seeking a: Man
Password: xxxxxxxx
My Birth Date: 06/12/1986
email: atticus_chance@live.com
Zip Code: 59801

FIND CHEMISTRY NOW * click *

     After a series of questions to “find my personality” type crap I was finally able to set up my page. The entire time I was answering questions like, “Even if your group of friends is quite diverse, pick one group of the following that would describe them,” I was wondering maybe this isn't the right thing to do? Maybe I should just find someone the old fashioned way... fate. But I wanted to know if I could get matched with someone, just one person!

Description of self:

     Oh man what do I put? I looked at my computer screen for a good hour, thinking, 'If I were to meet someone who was blind, how would I describe myself?' Crap! I didn't know! I had to take off my glasses and took a swig of my glass of Southern Comfort and typed on.

Description of self: Atticus Chance. 25. Playful, goofy. Loves dogs and....

     No. Way to... corny... doesn't show anything!

Description of self: Hey, I'm Atticus. I'm a 25 year old photojournalist. Short, kind of curly brown hair, average body, 5' 11”. I love my dog. I'm a poetry fanatic with anything from Sylvia Plath to Allen Ginsberg. I enjoy indie music, art house films and anything that is not mainstream... I'm a bit of a hipster...

     No, No, No! That was worse then the first one... I stared at it again, then kept typing and pouring a new glass of rum with every new try. If I kept up this terrible “Description of self,” I was surely to get drunk faster than I anticipated. I didn't know what it was that wouldn't bring me to write something good about myself... I even started to get pretty negative by my what seemed like my twenty fifth try. It went something like...

Description of self: A low life piece of shit that gets too flustered witdh guysa in real life that he ids resortibg to olime datibg. DON't try to daet him... he isa terible persaon and should jusy be lonely for the arest of hus lofe.

     I soon realized that maybe I shouldn't be drinking so much....

     You know you hit a point in your life when you are drunk and crying because you can't figure out what to put in the “Description of self” box on an online dating site. I'm sure any reasonable person would have stepped back and said something like, “Hey, maybe I should just stop right now and go to bed.” However, my determination seems to come out more when I'm drunk then when I'm sober. I continued writing, but I gave up on the drinking. It then hit me like a sock full of bricks that my great grandma kept around to threaten us with when us kids got out of line. After the first sentence, it all came out like wildfire. Funny thing, what happens when you just get rid of writers block, once you start, you don't stop.

Description of self: There comes a moment in life where you just want to give up because of everything that has happened to you in life. Like me for example; Relationships were always a no go. Why? I have no clue. I'm an average single gay male trying to find love in this world like everyone else. I'm twenty-five years old and a photojournalist for the _____________. Nothing excites me more than a chilled coffee house with soft jazz playing in the background, while an angelic voice rises above spitting words of rhymes into the open air. When I'm there I imagine my hand caressing another, looking over and seeing his head bob up and down to the rhythm of the fluent words. When we got back to my apartment he would run his fingers through my curly brown hair and catch my glasses as they almost slipped off my face. He would undo my tie every so neatly and unbutton my tight fitting American Eagle button up shirt that seemed to really show off my slender build. He of course would have to love dogs, or be at least be okay with them since my lab/blue healer mix would be all over them. We would lay in bed listening to the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs or some Mumford & Sons.

     I felt like I could go on and on, but I knew if it was too long no one would read it and just like I don't know, skip me or something. I know it wasn't much of a description about just myself as much as a perfect night that I would like to happen, but I'm sure that someone somewhere would enjoy it. Even if I do sound a little egotistical about myself in some spots of it.
     I then shot a picture of myself on my web cam, uploaded it, and closed out. I took the last swig I had left from my last glass of my rum, rubbing my eyes I looked at the clock.

     2:27 AM, my computer clocked glared at me. I knew tomorrow was going to be a long day, and I knew that I probably should have just left the online dating site alone. Somewhere deep down inside, though, wanted to know that maybe I'd have at least one “match” and maybe something could happen? In another part of me it screamed nothing but, “You just created trouble for yourself...”

Where is Mr. Right?

     Living in a small town is hard. Especially when you are a gay male between the ages of 13 to 25. Living here is great, don't get me wrong. The view is great, the weather always keeps you on your toes, the job pays well, and the people... well the people are, okay. However, finding love, yeah, that sucks. I mean the town isn't too small to not find another gay male that would be nice to date, it's just that I can never find one that actually wants to date me.

     I am definitely not a prominent member in the gay community. Sure people know I'm gay but it's not like I'm all “I'm here and I'm queer.” I enjoy my privacy. Since when has that gotten me anywhere? I walk down the street to my job, here at the newspaper in downtown Missoula, and I see many gay couples walking around. I've always noticed too that they are always, and I mean always, ridiculously good looking. I'm good looking... I think. I have an average body, dress pretty well, I try to keep my hair nice but it usually just ends up a mess anyways, doesn't help with the curl in it. I have to wear glasses, so I prefer the “Buddy Holly” look, I was always a real sucker for the '50s style. So why don't I seem to get a man?

      Is it the fact that I'm socially awkward? Sure I like to make a fool out of myself sometimes, but whenever a remotely cute guy even tries to talk to me I'm always flustered with the fact that a guy is talking to me... You see, I never had much luck with “relationships”... at all actually. Let me tell you a little bit about them...

      First there was Tyler. I don't know if you could consider it an actual relationship since I was only about thirteen when I met him, and I met him online. The extent of our “relationship” was through a couple of phone calls and a shit load of text messages. It was nice while it lasted, I think it was nice. I mean to think that I actually meant something to someone, even if they were miles and miles away. I do have to say at least he was in the state! That was a plus. However, in the end it was hopeless.... I actually just recently caught up with him and it seems he is raising money for the “transition”, to turn into a female...

      Then came into my life a kid that I thought was very, very much the man of my dreams. His name was Ken, and throughout the first two years of my time in high school he was my ultimate crush. It didn't help that he sensed it and pretty much played me to liking him even more. The fact that I got to dress out next to him in gym class was always nice as well. He would shower and I would be able to see him naked, with out directly looking at him naked. Oh the nights I had after I saw that. However, when we had an intimate moment, when we went underneath a bridge and talked, I found out, indirectly that is, that he was just saying he was “bi-sexual” to get back at his dad. Let me tell you though, he knew how to play the ones that liked him.

      Then there was James. Yet another guy I met online. However instead of just texts, that were awkward, it included awkward phone calls late at night and awkward moments on skype. It wasn't until my friend and I went to go meet him in person did I found out how really awkward an already awkward moment could get. We can say that this thing we had going, didn't end in a positive “lets be friends,” way.

      And lastly, there was a guy that I thought maybe could last for a while. Say hello to Damien. This hot little thing I met at a concert with friends. I soon stalked him down on facebook and we became friends. Exchanging numbers and texting for quite sometime. It was always enjoyable conversations and I really found myself actually falling for this kid. He was HOT, did I mention that, and the fact that I'm always just referred to as “cute”, this whole thing we had was pretty mind blowing to me.
      However, it quickly ended with me going to see him one night with him and his friends. They got drunk while I stayed sober, due to the fact that I hate the taste of beer. The next day though, things took a change for the scandalous. We went into his friends room with her to “take a nap.” However, when cuddling turned into groping and hands went into pants my life was forever changed. I mean being eighteen and having my first sexual experience in any way was amazing.
It ended, yet again on the wrong note. He was not ready for something more... and I was just his little back up plan....

      So here I am at 25, fresh out of college, well sort of. I have a job that I wanted since my senior year in high school as a photojournalist for a well known paper in my community. Yet, I'm half broke and still single.

      However, it's not all bad is it? I mean it couldn't get worse could it? At least I have a job that I like. I have a roof over my head, I have all the necessitates for being a single man on my own in a small city. It's just that last fact that I'm not enjoying very much.

Single.

Single..

Single...

      Not a term I enjoy but I've lived with it for about all my life.

      I have this dream though, of getting married to a nice guy that's sort of like me. Very creative, artsy, goes with the day and loves to have fun. Not afraid of being himself or being a little goofy in public. He would keep my life interesting and I could always count on him and vice versa. We'd adopt a child and have a family and we'd have a lifestyle that was very nice, but not too expensive. We'd be able to grow old together and we'd die in each others arms.

      Maybe I'm too much of a romantic, my head is always up in the clouds... Maybe one day I'll find Mr. Right....

     Until then, I ask you....

Where is Mr. Right?